In a climactic scene in John Green’s novel The Fault in Our Stars, the protagonist — whose name is Hazel — visits her favourite author at his house in Amsterdam.
Hazel is a teenager living with cancer, and the author in Amsterdam writes a wonderful book after his daughter’s own cancer diagnosis.
The book is something close to a holy text for Hazel; she re-reads it over and over again. But it ends abruptly and she wants to know what happens next.
A series of events lead to this meeting in Amsterdam, where Hazel is finally able to ask the author point-blank.
He can’t answer her questions.
He doesn’t know what happens next to the characters in his book, and he doesn’t seem to care.
It’s morning when they meet, but the author drinks boatloads of liquor and becomes increasingly drunk. He is a monster — caustic, apathetic and cruel.
This experience does not crush Hazel, but she can’t help but be disappointed.
Later, she understands. The author lost someone, and it ruined him.
His book is frozen in time, and he is a much different person than he was when he wrote it.
I’ve never produced anything as influential as Hazel’s author, but I do worry about letting my readers down.
As many have discovered — including women who’ve gone out with me on dates — my writing persona and my speaking persona are very different.
I am honest when I write and I try to be honest when I’m out in the real world, but I’m a human being, and I often fall short of my own expectations.
Also, the way I see myself is much different from how others see me; my insecurities are profound, and I’m more melancholic than I seem.
I can be a mean, miserable cuss — mainly to myself, but also to others. And yet most people seem to think I’m a really nice guy.
When I published my first book three years ago, a memoir-style collection of stories about the intrinsic value of writing, I was open and honest.
Those stories reflected the truth as I saw it at the time, but I’ve changed a lot since then. I’m better in some ways and worse in others.
Life has been difficult, and it has beaten me down. In order to survive, I’ve had to change.
If you read my book and met me today, you might be disappointed. You might be pleasantly surprised. Truthfully, you probably wouldn’t care either way, but who knows?
My approach to writing has always to do the best I can in the time allowed. I’ve tried to avoid hurting people, but occasionally I fail.
As I write, I try to anticipate the effect I may have on readers, but ultimately it’s a bit of a crapshoot. I put my thoughts on paper and hope for the best.
In The Fault in Our Stars, Hazel has a companion who loves her deeply and understands her in a way few others do.
Her companion is a good-looking kid, a cancer survivor himself, and he is intent on making his mark on the world.
More pointedly, he wants to leave a scar.
Hazel is the complete opposite.
She treads lightly. She is careful with other people’s emotions. Hazel is more worried about the effect her illness has on others than the effect it has on her.
And this, as far as I can tell, is the best approach to creativity a writer can have.
Like Hazel, we must try to do no harm. Like the author in Amsterdam, we will let people down.
The main thing is to stay honest and soft-hearted, to forgive ourselves for not being perfect, and to keep moving forward as best we can.